Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
